I'm Just Not Worth It
by Nayaholic99
Summary: "You know what,I think that he's right."Mercedes looked at her confused."This is your big chance and it should be all about you, you know, and I really appreciate what you tried to do for me here, but I know what I would do if I was in your position. I'm just not worth it."/DeSean's answer to Mercedes and Santana's question about a duet hit Santana's self esteem hard,Canon Angst,OS


A/N: So much canon as to what could've happened after Santana said she wasn't worth it to Mercedes so I decided to come up with something. Kind of going off the notion that it was mentioned and joked about that Santana had an eating disorder throughout the first, second, and third season. Also dealing with Santana's confidence/self esteem. Enjoy!-One Shot

"Look they just want a great song from me ok? They don't care how I give it to them, just trust me." Mercedes insured Santana as they walked into DeSean's office.

"Hey, did I get the days mixed up? I was expecting you tomorrow." DeSean said confused.

"Well Santana and I were talking and we were thinking that the song we're looking for is a duet. And don't just say no, because we sounded great."

"On that Lauren Hill song yea, but I like the song we have we just needed a new take on it. Which is what we got, you pure, raw, underground."

"Yea, but the take I want," Mercedes said walking over to the couch and sitting down, "Is a duet, with my girl." She said adjusting her skirt and smiling at Santana. Santana smiled right back.

"Uhhhhh…Look Mercedes I know this is your friend and you got something," DeSean said looking right into Santana's eyes. "But this is your calling card, this is going to be your story. Introducing another voice…How do we sell that?" DeSean said as Santana's smile started to fade.

"Think Macklemore and Ryan Lewis." Mercedes said shrugging.

"Mercedes I think that we should go," Santana said pointing to the door.

"I'm just trying to protect you," DeSean said.

"But it's my album," Mercedes said shaking her head.

"Ok look, if you really into doing a duet let me make some phone calls, let me call in some favors, let me get you with Katy, let me get you with Carly, let me get you with Alisha," Mercedes shifted uncomfortably looking down, "Let me get you with someone more famous than you that can actually help you," Santana furrowed her brow, "And Santana can sing back up." Santana looked away from DeSean and realized what he was saying. She suddenly felt vulnerable and embarrassed. "Then if everything goes like it's supposed to we revisit this on your follow up album."

Santana's head was now hung and she was looking down at the floor shifting uncomftorably. Mercedes opened her mouth to speak but Santana cut her off, "You know what, I think that he's right." Mercedes looked at her confused. "This is your big chance and it should be all about you, you know, and I really appreciate what you tried to do for me here, but I know what I would do if I was in your position. I'm just not worth it."

DeSean and Mercedes both looked at Santana. "Santana," Mercedes said and watched the girl walk out of the studio with her head down.

Santana walked out of the studio with her hand over her mouth and crying, she was trying to hold in the sound of her crying so Mercedes wouldn't hear. She walked quickly toward the bathroom and was relieved to see no one was in the bathroom with her. She threw her bag on the counter and started to let out her emotions.

She sunk onto the floor with her back against a wall, pulled her knees up to her chest, wrapped her arms around her legs, buried her face into her chest and started to sob.

"God Santana you're so stupid! Why did you even believe that you were good enough to be in Mercedes's album. DeSean probably thought your were ugly and too fat. He could probably see right through your smile and see Snix inside of you." Santana thought to herself while she was crying.

Santana stood up sometime later and walked up to the mirrors, her face was a mess. She quickly washed her face and looked at her bare skin in the mirror. In the reflection she could see the toilets in the stall behind her. She immediately thought back to senior year, throwing up her breakfast and lunches in toilets like those.

"Go on piglet." The voice in her head said to her. She tried to ignore it so hard, but Ana always found a way back into her head. "You know you should, you have done it in so long. You just had that huge burger for lunch with those fries. They'll go straight to your hips, then stomach, and soon enough you'll look like a prize winning pig."

Santana closed her eyes and shook her head. "Shut up." She whispered to herself.

When she opened her eyes she looked in the mirror and saw herself, but she looked huge, at least weighing 200 pounds.

"Oh my god." She said to herself covering her mouth. "No no no." She shook her head.

"You're already half way there," Ana said to her again. This pushed her over the edge and she turn and walked into one of the stalls locking the door. She put her hair up in a bun and bent down. Santana took her two fingers and stuck them into her mouth and stuck them as far down as she could. She hit her spot and felt her lunch coming up. She held onto the toilet seat and let her lunch fall out into the toilet.

Santana threw up for a good minute and stood when she was done. She opened the door to the stall and went back to the mirror, she now looked like herself again, thin and healthy.

"See how much better you look," Ana said to her and Santana nodded. She applied some makeup to her face and popped a mint into her mouth.

"Santana Diabla Lopez you can do this. Don't let this girl control you again. You will get an album and you'll find someone to be with forever. You are worth it. You are worth it." Santana said to herself in the mirror. She took her hair down, did a double take on her appearance and walked out of the bathroom with her head held high.


End file.
